Blessings

Blessings come in all sorts of form, at least that's the way it's been in my life.  Some small to large.  Some of some of material item or a hug, flower, a knock on the door when you need someone to comfort you when you asked no one for help.

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Webster Dictionary describes blessings as:  

a : the act or words of one that blesses say the blessing over the wine a priestly blessing

 

b : approval, encouragement asked her parents for their blessing before he proposed

 

2 : a thing conducive to happiness or welfare My daughter is a blessing to me in my old age. Their absence turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Count your blessings.

 

3 : grace (see grace entry 1 sense 5) said at a meal said the blessing before dinner

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But, I believe Webster left out several various things that are all blessings in there own right.  Please be clear, these are just my own opinion, my own thoughts and my own experiences.

 

1.  I do agree that words can be a huge blessing to everyone.  Even those words that come just when you need them, but never told anyone that you were suffering or in despair and needed just a hug or a shoulder to cry on and a heart to hear your soul.

2.  Children are a tremendous blessing in one's life.  They may try your patience many times in the course of your and their lives, but regardless you love them with all there uniqueness, all the trials they put you through in their life are fleeting images and all you ever think of is the joy in all the experiences they had in their life.

3.  Once your child/ren leave the nest and learn to spread their wings you watch with fear, enjoyment, happiness and continue to fill your bucket of love for each child you may have.  

4.  Once your children have their own children your cup gushes over with pride, a tremendous amount of love for your newest grandchild and your own child who just entered the joys of parenthood.

 

5.  You watch your children walk the path of adulthood with a silent voice, even though you want to scream so many times "try it this way" or "I wouldn't do that".  You must watch them now spread a different pair of wings in their own now parenthood.  You watch with anticipation and fear at times, but you marvel at how each of them succeed way beyond your imagination in raising their own child.  This and your new grandchild is such a huge blessing, at least in my life.

6.  Empty Nester's:  A whole new area you at times which you had had when you had young children screaming, tugging at your shirt, refusing to eat or refusing to sleep.  When this phase in your life comes you have to adapt to a whole new world.  One you wished for many times in raising your children, but when it hits you wished you could go back to those tiny beautiful eyes, sleeping in your arms, school plays, baseball, dancing, musical instruments and many things a like. 

How do you walk through the door into this new path of life.  I entered my own empty nest phase in 2009, I was 45 and quite young.  I struggled with it, fought it, refused to accept it and when grandchildren started coming my struggle became less and less of an emotional strain.I still have struggles with it and trying to fill my days with crafts or other things I enjoy.

 

For me my new phase turned to my grandchildren.  They have become my biggest joy, my deepest love and just as my children growing up I never expect anything from them, it's what I can give them.  I lived across the country from all of them for so many years, until about 2 years ago my son moved not far from me to a new duty station.  I must admit I have not been able to see them as much as I would like.  This makes me feel like a failure as a grandmother, just like as my children were growing up I felt like I never met up with my own expectations with my children as they grew up.

 

Each grandchild that has come into the world and into my life has enriched it beyond anything I can ever imagined.  As they each came into my world and heart expanded more than I ever thought possible.

In the past 10 years I have been tormented, exhausted with prayer and yearning so much for a blessing and desire that over the years caused me such grief, loneliness and heartache and this particular blessing I've been wanting in my life just seems gone from my life.  I have wondered over the years what I did wrong, what curve did I miss, did I not go one way when my child wanted me to go another way.  I've cried so many tears 

This was the only thing I prayed about daily and so many minutes of each day.  Each holiday and

birthday came and went year after year.

So, just recently a dream I thought I'd never have for another few years came to past just recently.  It took me by total surprise that the sobs were so hard to keep for escaping from my heart.  How life and destiny changes us and surrounds us with even greater blessings.  This blessing is mine now and oh how my heart leaps so high, my body wrapped in love and acceptance.  You just never know what is in your destiny. 

The other desire in still in my heart, but it is so far removed from my brain and heart that it really doesn't matter to me any longer. Life is so strange and remarkable when you least expect it.  

My message is remain calm, trust in a higher power if you so believe and remember that gifts come in all shapes and sizes and they come when you least expected.  You may be praying hard for one blessing, even crying your eyes out in needing that particular blessing for days, even weeks or months.   But out of the blue, literally, one even greater drops straight in your lap.

Blessings are just that, a blessing.  It enriches your life, comforts your aching soul and happens when you least expect it. Those other things you deeply desired might not ever receive, but your cup will overflow with other miraculous things you weren't even expecting.

In closing, be patient and let your life be just that...life.  Embrace it, love it and your deepest dreams and desires may or may not ever come today, but...others will come along the way you had in your heart tucked away, protected...just be happy with your life as it is today.  Be grateful for the small things in your life and all the big things, if you're so lucky to have those, love life and deeply love the ones who love you in your life.  

Blessings are real!  Love is real! and life, good or bad, is definitely real! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Best Friend

My Best Friend!

So many years ago, seems like a lifetime, I had a best friend.  She was my youngest daughter, Mallory.  We talked every day, she was my deepest confidant and I can’t say for certain I was hers, but she did confide in me.  She was protective of me and at times seemed like she was my Mother, instead of the other way around.

The pending birth of her firstborn child (my first grandchild) brought such excitement of her and I.  I sent so many packages it was silly and doted on her as only a grandmother can.  Our separation started when her child was born.  Mistakes I made, things I did, things I said, so many things went wrong that trip and it seemed like we never got it back.  

I lost her on Christmas Day.  I wasn’t her Mother anymore you see.  I was dead to her.  Over the years I’ve tried to have contact with her, sent her messages, with horrible return emails from her.  I tried to find her phone number on the internet, but she blocked me from everything she could.  Literally everything, even Pinterest.  I couldn’t believe it.  How could it all go so wrong?  How could I lose such a special and deeply loved child?  I think it would have been better if she had died, because then I could find the closure, I needed to accept the void now in my life.  

I finally got in touch with her Mother-In-Law and we exchanged messages back and forth for a short time.  She told me some awful, horrible things about my daughter that would make any mother scream inside and fall apart on the outside.  She told me things that I didn’t, never, would accept.  How her lifestyle changed her into a woman I wouldn’t even recognize.  However, this information also crept in me that it was true, so I became so conflicted for many years. 

I then learned something about myself and her too.  I learned that regardless of what a child does, as a parent (especially a mother) that child is priceless, a treasure beyond measure.  I learned about myself all the reasons she was wanted.  All the reasons she was so loved.  All the reasons she was cherished and yes, of course, spoiled.  I learned that she was an adult and regardless of whether she was in my life or not, she was always in my heart and I hoped that someday the door would open, and I’d be let in and healing would begin.

I understand to heal, according to Webster Dictionary is:

            A:        to make free from injury or disease: to make sound or whole heal a wound

            B:        to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome: mend the troubles … had not                         been forgotten, but they had been healed— William Power

            C:        to patch up or correct (a breach or division)

All these surely apply.  I caused her injury, and if ever permitted her troubles would be mended.  Her wounds patched up and corrected.  Her wounds would heal to the best that they can.  For me, I can totally relate to some of her pain and deep cuts in her soul.  She lost a son and that I can’t even fathom, but I do know if I ever lost my own son my soul and body would be destroyed and going on would be so very difficult.

However, the cuts I can relate to is her sexual abuse she suffered as a toddler.  I suffered my own abuse from the age of 9-14.  I remember every second of my abuse, but her dreams and nightmares remind her of hers.  I know of how innocence is lost.  How you feel so worthless.  That you feel ugly, vulnerable and frightened ALL the time.  I can relate to the cuts you make on your own body to release the pain.  I, personally, have many scars from cutting myself to release the inner agony that never went away.

I tried to commit suicide and she was the one who found me.  I was in a seriously bad situation when she found me and again, I can’t understand or relate to that sight, to that trauma caused deep in her soul.  All I can do is apologize, deeply and sincerely.  Justifying it is wrong, so I’m not even going to try.  However, I can explain, and I do believe she has the intellect to understand such deep pain.  That doesn’t excuse the behavior though.  

Later, in the years I didn’t intentionally leave her out, I didn’t intend to ignore her or my granddaughter.  I hurt her, I angered her, and my heart broke into a million pieces that Christmas Day.  I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t scream, all I could do was cry.  

Over the years I’ve missed watching my precious granddaughter grow up, I missed my daughter most of all.  Her brave honesty, her beauty, her compassion, and her strength most of all.  She was always such a strong-willed child.  At times, quite challenging, her strength never wavered.  

   

Raising her was a totally different experience from her older brother and sister.  I never made the same mistakes as I did with them.  I doted on her, she was spoiled, she was so, so loved.  This is not to say my other daughter and son are not, of course.  I waited 4 years to have her, begged mercifully and when I finally got pregnant, I miscarried.  I was deeply devastated, and the doctor told me to wait to get pregnant again, but I didn’t listen.  I got pregnant rather quickly after the miscarriage.  

I deeply wanted another girl and mainly wore pink while I was pregnant, as if that would do any good. LOL.  When she was born everyone in the family was so excited and everyone knew she was the last.  Even her grandparents, who doted on her just as much as I did.  Her older sister simply adored her and made sure I take her for show-n-tell.  She couldn’t wait to get home to see her.  I honestly don’t remember much of a devotion from her brother, but I do know he loved her so much.

She had/has a quick wit, is funny and could turn a dinner conversation into milk flying out of people’s noses from her innocent comments.  She made family dinners so delightful!  She had to work hard in school and moved around school’s way more than her siblings.  

PLEASE do not get me wrong.  I dearly, deeply love all my children.  Maybe more now than I did when they were growing up.  I’d say it’s a respectful love.  You maybe know that raising a family, especially one with financial difficulties is very hard.  Trying to just stay above water, keep food on the table and the heat on were daily struggles.  Their father and I each did what we had to do to keep our family together and taken care of.  We were teenagers when we married, and our challenges were steep, and we were challenged at every turn we took.

I have so many happy memories of all my children, but my best friend and I have many that I want to share…. They are in no order.

I used to work for Kiwanis at their district office and one of my duties was to go with them when they had conferences and conventions.  Each of my children had a chance to go with me and when it was my best friends time we went to Snohomish, WA.  What a quaint area of Washington, tucked away in a valley and known for their apples.  We did quite a bit outside of my duties at work and we toured the Applets and Cotlets factory.  I have toured a lot of factories and one of my things I do is say “Hmmmm” a lot and nod my head.  My Best Friend found this either humorous or annoying, maybe both because she nudged me and told me to stop.  On this trip we did some fun shopping as well.

Then there was the trip to Tillamook, Oregon. Just her and I.  Again, we toured the plant/factory and based from the previous experience I tried to contain my understanding of what they were saying.  Tillamook is on the coast of Oregon, but because of the cheese factory that makes the best cheese in the world (plus other yummy things) it has a lot of cows, which in turn has a lot of an odor.  Each time we got out of the car she made a funny remark.  

Unfortunately, her birthday and her brothers are only a day a part and when she was a toddler it was easy to just focus on her brother.  But when she and her brother, as well, were older it became more of a challenge.  Her father and I tried to keep them separate and make each of them feel special.  She had birthday parties at a skating rink, roller skating rink and at home.  I have happy pictures of her special day.

She had good friends.  Next door neighbors and her best friend from school, who she still may be friends with, I don’t know.  Her grandma had her ears pierced when she was just 4 weeks old and they looked so dainty and beautiful on her.  She only wore purple or pink, hair barrettes, headbands, bonnets and all the like.

She was always loud, but not the screaming type of loud.  She made herself known for sure.  She was the only child who demanded attention.  Maybe because I treated her differently than her brother and sister.  But, one thing I now cherish is every time either her father and I came home, or I came home from work, she was ALWAYS the first person at the door.  Usually the door was open.  I found it annoying at times when she was growing up, because I hadn’t even gotten out of the car and there she was.  Not giving me time to adjust in being home from a long day at work.  But, now, it’s such a wonderful, powerful memory.  

One of her other annoying habits, but now such a joy.  Was her inept way of entering a movie throughout the middle of the movie and asking a zillion questions as to what was happening.  In her later years her father would change the channel to a sporting game and that cleared the room of children rather quickly.  A private joke between the two of us.  It worked each and every time!  😊

She also never stopped moving.  She never stopped talking.  She never took much of a nap.  She had to be in the thick of things all the time.  She never stopped loving!

She loved the holidays.  Halloween and mostly Christmas.  She loved most special events at school, such as dressing up in weird and mismatched clothing as an example.  She never played an instrument, but I wonder now if she regrets that.

In closing, may I just say to you and to my youngest daughter, she is loved beyond measure.  She is a treasure even though we've not been in touch for so many years.  I've never stopped thinking of her, loving her, wishing for her return.  I know I will never regain what we had before, but possibly communication will open, healing can begin, trust can be re-built, positive memories will come back. 

I love you,

Mom