JOY
Webster dictionary defines joy as "the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires". My definition is: The state of mind where the sun has shone as bright as it can be and you are warmed all over with peace, happiness and comfort.
Joy is a wonderful feeling in ones life. It's important to feel, to recognize it, and to be grateful for all that you've been given. I truly believe that all good and bad things in your life have been put in front of you to teach you, make you grow and turn your life into a new direction.
I've had many heartaches in my life. Abuse, trauma, great love in my life and great losses. I use to think of myself as a "Victim", but in that last few years I've turned my thinking around and now I'm a "survivor".
There are definitely victims in this world, so many and it's very sad that people have to experience such traumas in their life that makes them feel like a victim. However, the most important part of healing is to turn your thinking around and realize that yes, these horrible things have happened to you, acknowledge that they have happened, but realize that these things DO NOT define you as a person. To become a survivor please understand and encompass the fact that these things are NOT your fault. You've done nothing wrong. There are evils all around us, people who do evil things to us or cause us harm or hurt. BUT, to become a survivor you need to realize that very first step.
Survivors are our strength in this world. We are the examples to all who suffer. We help those around us that are in need, offer love, comfort and healing. Second, you need to understand that you are not the only one! To understand that there is good in this world, people willing to give you a smile, hug or just to say "I Love you".
For me and my life, I've lost several people that have left my life due to death. I lost my first love, my father, my grandson and a special little baby that died while I was babysitting her. I've loved a man I was married to for 20 years, turned into a very painful divorce. I've had people abuse me in every imaginable way. I've felt used, beaten, traumatized, hurt (physically, emotionally and mentally), and all of these things have left me wandering in my life without a direction or purpose.
I put my life into my children, spent most of my childhood waiting for the day I would become a mother. Then, due to my young age when I had my first child made many mistakes in raising her, things that have molded her into the wonderful woman she is. Even in my immaturity, she turned out pretty damn good. Despite my insecurities, she has grown to be strong, independent and wise. However, I've spent most of my adult life regretting the mistakes as a mother. The hurt that I caused them even though they may not have recognized those mistakes I made shaped them into the adults they are now.
I find great joy in my children and being a grandma is the most rewarding, loving and gratifying experience I've always wanted and love so very much. Joy has taught me to enjoy life, even in deep despair. Joy is an emotion that releases you from the chains that have bound you and kept you from reaching potentials that are unimaginable to you now.
For instance, my birth father was deeply traumatized at the sound of his mother telling him I died at birth. He delved into alcohol as his escape and eventually killed himself. I never knew my father, but even though I never knew him the realization of his hard life turned me into a devoted, loving daughter to a man who loved me more than anything in this world. He is my angel, my guardian and protector. I can't wait for the day when we can meet!
The other great loss I've felt was the death of my 6 month old grandson. Another great man in my life that I never got to see or meet. He suffered much in his short life, but gave love and comfort to his mother, my daughter. He was a strong survivor that eventually his little body couldn't survive the medical conditions placed on him. I honor him, love him and also can't wait to see him when I leave this world.
I've been abused for most of my childhood and into 3 years of my teen years when it finally stopped. These experiences of the abuse really shaped me into the person I am, and the type of mother I am. It took me A LONG time to come to the realization that those who traumatized me were victims in there own life. A mother who just wasn't made to be a mother, a mother who did unthinkable things to me, caused me such trauma that it's been with me most of my life. It shaped me into the mother I was and am. I never found any joy in my childhood, but I was determined that my children would NEVER experience the things I did. They always had healthy food to eat, a clean home and a loving family. Even though I did all I could to be a good mother, my youngest daughter was a victim of sexual abuse by a babysitter. This was a bitter, heartbreaking experience in my life as I suffered the same things, but by people placed in my life to care for me.
To know that she was out of my care during these times, that I trusted this person with her life, she was still violated. To see her go through the realization of this abuse when she was an adult and the death of her son, really crushed her. How could it not? She also witnessed and was a apart of my inability to accept my divorce of her father and witnessed and had to go through the traumatizing experience of my suicidal attempt after her father moved out of the house. She was the first one to find me and it was not a pretty site. As a mother and an adult, to have done this first to myself, then second to my children, especially my dear daughter and my son. My oldest daughter was already out of the house, but I do know it hurt her as well.
I've had to deal with mental health issues, steaming from my abuse and my inability to be a good mother, despite all my best efforts. Life just is hard, deals us cards we don't want to play, but due to what has happened to us the universe was in control, not me.
I've taken back my life, my hope, my love and my JOY! I am strong, independent and I'm happy in my life. My baggage has been shipped to an unknown destination with no return address. I've not forgotten all that has happened to me, but I realize it did happen, it wasn't my fault and I've let it all go. Until I could do all of that I was a miserable woman. I caused harm to many people I love, hurt those the closest to me. I've damaged relationships with the very most important people in my life and bridges have been burned many times and some seem unable to be mended. Yet, I still have found "JOY"!
How come? Because there is nothing else to do! You can't walk through your life and be a contributing member of life unless you can release it all to the stratosphere. You can still recognize that these things have happened to you, acknowledge it, but let it change you into a great person. How? By forgiveness, first of all. Take all that pain and give it back to the people who harmed you. Because you did nothing wrong! It wasn't your fault! You were innocent!
It's not easy, I know that! I'll be the very first person to tell you it's damn hard, but you can do it! You have to do it! You have no other option, because if you don't you will walk through your life constantly being stuck with the thorns on the rose you can become. You need to understand that the thorns are there to shape you and teach you. Also, to realize that they do go away with great care and understanding.
Yes, I'm rambling and this is all jumbled, but the sole reason of this post is to share my life with you and to help you see you aren't alone. You are loved! You are a treasure! You are a SURVIVOR!
Please forgive my rambling, but I hope you got my message. To live a full, loving and successful life! Let it go, you can do it! Don't let it keep you in chains! You can break free of the chains that bind you, you truly can and when you do you will know how it feels to have JOY! You will be so much more happy. You will be more successful, you will feel love and be able to give love. You can't love anybody until you love yourself first! This was a hard thing for me to grasp and I'm 53 and can now say I love myself! It's a wonderful feeling and I want you to know if I can walk through the fire I've been through, you can too! I've experienced it all and I'm a SURVIVOR!
Much love goes out to you, my friend!
Debbie, AKA Beth
