ANGER

Heavy sigh.....This is one area where I have great difficulty in.  I experience in myself and in others.  I came across this article about an analogy of an Iceberg and how what you see on the outside is WAY different than what is underneath.  

This was an eye opening thing for me and I'd like to express my thoughts on this topic.  This are the emotions that trigger anger.

1. Embarrassed
2. Scared
3. Grief
4. Shame
5. Tricked
6. Overwhelmed
7. Frustrated
8. Depressed
9. Disgusted
10. Distrustful
11. Grumpy
12. Stressed
13. Attacked
14. Rejected
15. Helpless
16. Trauma
17. Annoyed
18. Exhausted
19. Nervous
20. Anxious
21. Disrespected
22. Unsure
23. Envious
24. Disappointed
25. Lonely
26. Offended
27. Uncomfortable
28. Worried
29. Insecure
30. Regret
31. Hurt

This is A LOT of reasons why someone feels anger!  I was shocked and in my own life A LOT of these reasons made me wake up and realize why I'm angry or get angry.  These are NOT excuses, these are actual reasons and emotions why someone is or gets angry.  You must have them to experience it. 

In the article by Kyle Benson called "The Angry Iceberg" he states that "Anger is often described as a “secondary emotion” because people tend to use it to protect their own raw, vulnerable, overwhelming feelings."  He also states that "One of the most difficult things about listening to a child or lover’s anger, especially when it’s directed at us, is that we become defensive. We want to fight back as our own anger boils to the surface. If this happens, we get in a heated verbal battle which leaves both parties feeling misunderstood and hurt....".  I can 1000% testify to this statement.  

At some point in my life I've hurt and destroyed relationships by being angry, or in other terms, feeling all or most of those emotions on the list.  I've dealt with: Scared, Grief, Shame, Overwhelmed, Frustrated, Depressed, Distrustful, Stressed, Attacked, Rejected, Helpless, Trauma, Annoyed, Exhausted, Nervous, Anxious, Disrespected, Unsure, Disappointed, Lonely, Uncomfortable, Worried, Insecure, Regret and hurt.

The realization that I had so many was both hard to swallow and a relief.  It's good to know where your emotions are coming from, there you can work on those issues and get past them and, hopefully, repair those bridges that have been burned way to many times.  

Kyle has 3 keys on how to learn not to be angry:

1. Don’t take it personally:  Your partner or child’s anger is usually not about you. It’s about their underlying primary feelings. To not taking this personally takes a high level of emotional intelligence.
   
   
   One of the ways I do this is by becoming curious of why they’re angry. It’s much easier for me to become defensive, but I’ve found thinking, “Wow, this person is angry, why is that?” leads me on a journey to seeing the raw emotions they are protecting and actually brings us closer together. 
   
   
   2.  Don’t EVER tell your partner to “calm down”:  When I work with couples and one of the partners get angry, I have witnessed the other partner say, “Calm down” or “You’re overreacting.” This tells the recipient that their feelings don’t matter and they are not acceptable.
   
   
   The goal here is not to change or fix your partner’s emotions but rather to sit on their anger iceberg with them. Communicate that you understand and accept their feelings.
   
   
   When you do this well, your partner’s anger will subside and the primary emotion will rise to the surface. Not to mention they will feel heard by you, which builds trust over time.
   
   
   Maybe you grew up in a family where anger wasn’t allowed, so when your partner expresses it, it feels paralyzing and you freeze. Or maybe you try to solve their anger for them because their anger scares you. Open yourself up to experience you and your partner’s full spectrum of emotions.
   
   
   3.  Identify the obstacle:  Anger is often caused by an obstacle blocking a goal. For example, if your partner’s goal is to feel special on their birthday and their family member missing their special day makes them angry, identifying the obstacle will give you insight into why they’re angry.
   
   
   The bottom line is that people feel angry for a reason. It’s your job to understand and sit with them in it. By doing so, you will not only help them to understand their anger, but you will become closer to them in the process.
   
   
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   These are all such wonderful tips!  After going through this list I did a self-assessment of my own issues and ALL the many emotions I have that manifests itself in anger.  I've learned in studying this further that these are NOT excuses to be angry.  That we must take accountability for our actions, but how do you do that when you don't understand where the anger is coming from?  But, in reading this and studying it further it's a comfort that there is/are many reasons why anger presents itself and that I can heal it.
   
   
   What a revelation for the world to know!  Wouldn't we all be better off knowing this, taking charge and fixing these issues?  However, MANY worldwide will go through life in toxic relationships that they have created themselves.  Then, it only recycles through the generations as a learned behavior, because oftentimes angry people transmit their personal issues onto someone else and that person will learn from his/her parents that this is okay behavior.  Thus, it will never stop!
   
   
   Now, for me; I get defensive REALLY quick!  It's like I go from 0-100 in a matter of minutes. Then I say things that I truly don't mean, but the damage has been done and in my own experience, in almost all situations destroyed, never to be repaired again.
   
   
   The difficult part is when you get angry with someone and they themselves are experiencing anger themselves.  You're both doomed!  It's explosive!  So, for me, this article has made me become aware of the emotions and has put a new, firm, resolution to resolve my issues, listen with an open heart, sit on the iceberg with them and come to understand their anger that I myself created in them.
   
   
   In turn, people don't understand my own anger, so I MUST learn to change my behaviors, so they don't turn away from me.  It's only up to US to change, we CANNOT make others change, but accept them for who they are and love them just as much.  
   
   
   I'm very lonely without each and every person in my life!  I miss them terribly!  I wish I could turn back the clock and say things or act differently.  It might of saved our relationship, it definitely would of saved me from years of heartache.  
   
   
   I could tell you stories of each and every person, and I mean EVERY person in my life, that I've hurt and the emotions that played into that.  Maybe that will be in another post.  But, today I just want to throw this out there in hopes that it might help someone else learn about anger and the underlying emotions anger stems from.  
   
   
   God bless each and every one of you!  
   
   
   Debbie
    

Home

Home use to mean one thing to me and that was Oregon.  I actually was born in Tacoma, Washington, lived in Federal Way, Washington until I was 5 and then we moved to Aloha, Oregon.  Then I spent the next 37 years living in that area growing up, learning about love and life and raising my 3 wonderful, beautiful children.

In 2001 a devastating loss hit me and I fell apart, to put it mildly.  I hurt the ones that meant the most to me and that were my 3 children, especially my youngest.  It was a loss so great that I didn't know how to process it, I didn't know how to survive it and I went looking for acceptance and love from strangers.

I made many mistakes that year that followed, a serious suicide attempt in September 2001 and then another one in September 2002.  It was the second suicide attempt that gave me my diagnoses of Bi-Polar 1.  I have to admit that I was relieved, knowing that what I had been feeling and experience most of my life since my teen years had a name and that I could get help for it.  Did I?  Not really.  I thought I was, I took my meds did my due diligence, went to counseling, but nothing really clicked for me.

The traumas sustained to me during my childhood and the recent trauma in my life left me bound, gagged and tied up so tight that I felt that I couldn't break free.  I stumbled for years, made a drastic move to the East Coast to get a "fresh start" and it worked for awhile.  But, my old teen years of being promiscuous came back to haunt me and legal issues that I got myself into only made it worse.

I searched for acceptance and love still, but in all the wrong places.  I should of been looking within myself, but that never happened.  I was never taught how to love, never taught to value myself as a person, never allowed to show love in the proper way.  I was beaten in every way possible, but my emotional beatings took it's toll on me and thus here I am at 53 discovering myself for the first time and its damn....hard!

Where is home?  I still feel Oregon is my home.  It's my physical home and I miss it so very much.  I miss the familiarity, the smells, the rain, the radio station I always listened too.  I miss the well-known roads, my favorite restaurants and the people.  I left my family behind, closed the door and at first, never looked back.  But, now looking back, there are so many regrets.  So, many!

How I wish I had been strong to stand up and make a stand for myself, my rights, my worth; but I didn't know how.  I truly didn't.  I had spent my childhood and teen years being taught and told I was no good, I was worthless and thus resulted in no self-esteem, very little friends and a life full of pain and misery.

I was adopted at birth and always knew I was adopted, as it was told to me in every introduction...This is my daughter, BUT she's adopted.  So, my birth mom became my idol, my salvation, my hero.  She, someday, was going to save me from all of the pain and torture.  She, someday, would finally be my mom again and all would be great in my world.  Just someday....I'd find home!

That someday did come, I was 27 had 3 children and I remember going into work the Monday after we spoke on the phone for the first time telling my co-workers that it was the best weekend of my life.  Do tell, they said...Where did I even start?

 Our relationship was rocky, as I believe any reunion of this magnitude is.  We rocked our way through the storms, the rivers, the mountains and the sunsets.  Emotions high on both sides, guilt played a huge part in our beginning relationship.  How could it not?  It was all perfectly normal reactions, but I was impatient, needy and wanted more than what they were willing to give.  

I discovered I had 6 half-siblings and I was overjoyed.  3 on my mother's side and 3 of my fathers side.  The fateful news that my father had killed himself was a blow I wasn't prepared for and it hit my mother even harder.  Years past, visits happened and what I always thought would be a in the park, wasn't so easy.   This turned out not to be home either.  I didn't weather the road very well and rightly so, neither did they.

One day I was watching Opray Winfrey and she had a family on there that had been through an adoption and found each other.  They went through and "Adult Adoption", where the birth mother went to court and re claimed her legal rights as this woman's mother.  I was intrigued. Could I finally be home now?  

I mentioned this to my mother (birth mom) and she was just as intrigued and I believe she too was hoping for some peace in our relationship, closure, and safety.  So, we proceeded to go into this legal course for her to re-claim me as her daughter.  We did it!  I changed my middle name and took my father's last name as my new maiden name.  Finally, I was home!  Nope, didn't work out that way.  It did for awhile, but as a lot of things in my life, that too went sour.  

I was lost yet again, afraid, lonely and not knowing where my path was or which way to take.  I hadn't had any decent counseling to walk me through my trauma sustained during my early years to deal with all the emotions going through myself and my new wonderful family.  Oh, don't get me wrong...there were times we were all wonderful together.  Many happy memories flood my mind, when I allow it too.  But, I push them away as it's easier to forget than to work on.

Home was lost to me yet again and pretty much all my fault.  I am a definite self-sabotage type of person and I self-sabotage the relationships I have with anyone, especially those that I love the most and the ones I truly don't want to hurt.

I end up saying things I don't mean, speak out in anger before talking or thinking and then regretting things that can't be undone because bridges can only be burned so many times.

Those bridges that lead me home!  The tears well up inside of me way to often, the pain is still very raw and I'm the only one to blame for losing Home.  

However, lately I've learned to discover that I can't find Home, until I find myself.  It's a bit late to learn at 53, but is it really?  Am I able to heal the damage that I've caused?  I don't know.  I wish I had all the answers, but I've learned that for me to find home, I need to dig deep inside and find it within myself first and foremost.  Home is ME!  It doesn't matter where on the map I live, who I'm friends with or not.  Who I have a relationship with or not.  Who I've hurt or not, which is basically everyone that has ever truly mattered in my life.   

Home is simply a 4 letter word, that has grown to be a hinder in my life.   A stumbling block as it's meant so many different things throughout my life.  As my life gets older, my health dwindles and my heart continues to get broken by my own hands, I've learned that I need to take control of MY life, my destiny, MY HOME!  It all begins with ME!  I can't heal my broken relationships until I've gotten control of me.  

Yes, I can use all the excuses in the book that a lot of abused victims use.  Yes, I can blame so many people.  Yes, I can say it's all there fault. But, in truth we all need to take responsibility for our own destiny, our own path and take responsibility for what we want in our life and then make.it.happen!

For me, this means repairing relationships that might not be able to be repaired, and if they can't, then I need to be strong and be ok with that.  That I need to realize the these precious people that were in my life are still valued by me, still loved by me, but they have the right to say NO.  The pain I've caused is too great for them and there trust destroyed.  Somewhere I need to find peace and comfort in knowing that this has.to.be.OK.  

Home, for me is no longer Oregon.  It's no longer where I felt the safest, the happiest.  Home is ME!  Welcome to the new ME!  Welcome to my HOME!  Step inside, get to know me...you're welcome!  You're loved and treasured!  You are my new friends, my new hope and my new found freedom.

The memories are being bottled up and thrown in the ocean, sort of speaking.  Cast off to sea to another shore, or never to be found again.  Taken out of my mind, my heart and my life and allowing new, fresh, wonderful new memories to be built with or without the ones I love.  I'm learning how to be ok with that, it's not easy, totally not easy, but in order for me to find my HOME within myself it must be done.

I'd be lying if I said I was happy, I'm scared.  I'm afraid of failing again.  I'm afraid of letting people down and worse let, hurting people.  For the most part, I stay hidden away.  Afraid of hurting myself or anyone else, so I stay within my 4 walls of my home.  Not any longer!  I'm finding joys in my life I've never experienced.  Volunteering, church activity and making new friends that are healthy.  

Healthy?  A new word for myself as well.  I've turned my diet around, found peace in getting rid of panic attacks, seizures, migraines and other ailments that have plagued me for centuries.  I'm still afraid, but as I find myself saying to others....May you find joy in the sunset and peace in the sunrise.  I'm applying that to myself now.  A whole new me!  A whole new HOME!  

Much love to you my friend and if you need to find your HOME, give me a call, write to me and we'll help each other on our way!  

Debbie

WELCOME TO THE COUCH!

This blog is really a journey, a journey of my past, present and future.  Daily questions that run through my mind, answered here; I hope.  

My battle with Bi-Polar 1, PTSD, Borderline Personality and Dissociative Disorder.   Combine them all together makes me sound like a crazy person, but I'm not.  I join millions of others who suffer from these sort of things, plus those with Anorexia and Bulimia; both I really know nothing about.  

I believe I've had these illnesses since I was a teenager in high school, but was really diagnosed properly in September 2002.   I've spent over 15 years On The Couch of some great therapists/psychiatrists and some not so great.  I joke that I could be a counselor myself with as much as I've gone, but I still struggle with this battle daily, but doesn't mean I am not a valuable person of worth and doesn't mean I can't function.

All of the above disorders that I have can be very overwhelming at times, debilitating at it's worse.  I've had suicide attempts,  cutting and taken overdoses of medication to sleep the day away to get rid of the pain.  My other health issues certainly don't help these disorders.

Mental Health has such a stigma attached to it, but it is getting better and I'm thankful for that.  It's like if you have diabetes, cancer or any other medical ailment that plagues your body and mind day in and day out.  Same with mental health.  I use to say that "I WAS Bi-Polar", until I saw a very wise counselor that I loved, who taught me that Bi-Polar doesn't define who I am as a person, so I now say "I HAVE Bi-polar" .  This truly turned my thought process around and healed a lot of damage that simple word "WAS" made in my life.  When I learned that my mental health didn't define me as a person, I was just about healed just from that simple change of words.  

They say that journal, diary and other type of writing is best for the soul, even if you don't have a mental health illness, especially multiple ones.  It gets it out of your head and sends it out into the universe for it to do with it as it will.  I've had the Cognitive Therapy, DBT therapy and I'm now just entering Trauma Conversion Therapy, which is a revolutionary new treatment for people like me.  It's success rate is remarkable.

I believe that mental health illnesses became more noticeable with the notorious and famous, much beloved actor, Robin Williams killed himself.  This put this illness on the forefront of peoples minds and even as sad as it was, it changed a lot of things in this realm.  I personally was thankful for that, not that he passed away, but that it taught a lot about the disease and MADE people realize that this is a true, debilitating and destructive disorder, one that is completely made under control and people with these type of disorders can and will once again be able to function in society like everyone else.  

The national statistic proves that every 1 in 4 people suffer from some kind of mental health illness, that is staggering when you think about how many people are in the world.  This blog isn't me cramming down statistics and always talking about mental health, it's my life story, how I deal with it and how my family ignores it and treats me differently because of it.  The painful past, present and hope for the future.    

I hope you will come to "My Couch" often and share your own stories and maybe learn from mine and in turn help you to be happier in your life, because at the moment I'm not happy in mine.  This is my hope and prayer that through these posts I will find the peace and comfort I'm looking for and even if no one reads it, I'm OK with that, because it's my therapy to send my troubles and painful past out into the universe so it gets out of my head and help me to proceed to a happier me.  

I've made so many mistakes in my life and I've hurt so many people, people I love deeply, so I pray that my time On The Couch will be beneficial to me and hopefully to someone else.  

Welcome To The Couch!

Debbie